the next 3 years after high school were a blur of coop dealing with everything that goes with having cancer. doctors appointments, procedures, medications, pain, getting sick, the most horrible things you could imagine seeing someone go through. several times i would go to sleep with everyone in my house and wake up to texts that coop had a fever and they were at the ER. it wasn’t uncommon for me to leave events or not go to things because i was just too worried that if something happened to coop i would be gone.

cancer held me back from A LOT.

and it wasn’t even my cancer.

it was the fear that coopers cancer had more control than i did. 

and that fear was valid, and at that time there was no way i was NOT going to live in fear. my brother had cancer and at the end of the day we NEVER knew if he would be “okay”. so you live in fear. or at least thats what i did. 

the problem with living in fear is that at some point your mind and body can no longer do it. you give up because you are exhausted with living a life of fear. thats what i did, i gave up. i gave up on friendships, on school, on whatever made me happy. i devoted 100% of my time to the fear that cooper would die and the perfect puzzle would be broken. 

but there comes a point where giving up gets exhausting and you long for those things that made you happy in the first place. 

for me this didn’t happen until after cooper passed away and i had to enter the “real world” again. over the last 2 years i’ve realized that my time on this earth is precious and i want to live it joyfully. i want to love the way Jesus loved and live the way he lived. i want to do things that bring me joy instead of doing things i hate. i want to be at peace with myself because i never know when he will call me home. 

its a choice, to live joyfully.

ask anyone who chooses joy and they will tell you its a choice. it is definitely not easy, but choosing joy instead of fear will win every time. 


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