They don’t tell you

what they don’t tell you about cancer.

when you or your family member gets diagnosed with cancer they tell you when you will get your port put in, when to take your medications, when then next office visit is.

they tell you to “stay strong”, “keep going”, and “just try to be positive”. 

they attempt to encourage you in the middle of what seems like a hurricane of emotions.

december 5th 2015. 

cooper would begin his longest and last stay at the hospital, it was also his 18th birthday.

december 25th, 2015.

cooper’s last christmas with us.

december was, and still is a big month. it was the new normal really, dealing with 2 different cancers. coopers body was fighting more than ever to live and it was showing on the outside. 

coop had a constant fever and slept most of the day when he wasn’t in excruciating pain. 

when christmas rolled around we kept praying for a miracle. that his fever would break, that his pain would go away, that maybe just maybe we would have christmas at home. but some things just don’t work out the way you want them too. 

if you ever want to be so sad yet so full of joy all at the same time, walk into the pediatric oncology floor of a hospital on christmas day. you will see extremely sick kids, with extremely sad families. but you will also see hope, happiness, and some of the most grateful people in the world. grateful to have one more day, one more christmas with their babies. 

i remember everything about that christmas. the sights, smells, the tears, even the parking spot we unloaded all of our christmas presents from. i remember walking up to coopers room praying the hardest prayers i had ever prayed that he would be awake and feel good. 

one specific memory that will never leave my mind is when coop would open his gifts. normally coop was ALL about presents. when we were little we would all sleep in the same room on christmas eve and in the middle of the night cooper was always the one to go look at what santa had brought us. but this time, no emotion, he could barely open a gift and would just fall asleep. i waited patiently for him to get excited over all the gifts people had got him, but there was nothing that could bring him joy in that moment accept sleeping and a whole lot of pain medication.

what they don’t tell you about cancer?

they don’t tell you how sad christmas morning will be in the hospital.

how hurt you will feel when your brother is in extreme pain while you sit and watch.

how many times you will cry yourself to sleep over cancer, over the situation your family is living in. 

how tired you will be of living with cancer at the center of your family circle. 

how defeated you will feel once its over…


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *