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You’re not the match

cooper fought leukemia for 3 long years, after a long battle he became severely ill once again. after lots of tests cooper would be diagnosed with a secondary cancer, Myelodysplastic Syndrome. by fall of 2015 coopers body was fighting two different cancers that had to be treated with several different medications. he became lethargic, had a constant fever that would never break, and was in bad pain from head to toe. 

the only true way to MAYBE save cooper after this diagnosis was to get a bone marrow transplant. the best possible matches for a bone marrow transplant are family members, specifically siblings with the same parents. 

my family is a family of 6 but we are blended, so i was coopers only blood sibling. 

we flew to Arizona where i would be tested to see if i was the match.

i HAD to be the match

i HAD to save his life.

it was ALL on me.

those were the thoughts constantly running through my mind as we awaited the results. during this time hundreds of people posting things like, “pray that kassidy is the match”. no pressure right? 

i mean we could probably find another donor, but the easiest way to fix this problem was for me to be the match and save his life. 

i was not the match. i had no way of saving cooper’s life but to be his match for the bone marrow transplant and that control had just been taken away from me. 

so here, we take a pause from the cancer world, for me to tell you I have major anxiety. specifically when i’m not in control (haha! aka all the time). well imagine a very anxiety-ridden kassidy awaiting the results of if she would save her brothers life or NOT. to this day, those results sit on my heart. to this day the guilt sits on my heart. now before you comment and say, “oh kassidy don’t feel guilty there was absolutely nothing you could do to be the match, it’s your genetic make-up”. i know, i am aware. BUT. the fact that my genetic make-up COULD have saved my brothers life but DIDN’T is the grief i sit with every day and that will not change. 

i am not the match. 

i didn’t save his life.

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