I wrote myself a letter during the deepest part of my depression a couple of months back. I have ABSOLUTELY NO idea how I was able to write this, which means it definitely wasn’t coming from me. The Holy Spirit was using my fingers to type the words he knew I needed to hear.
Recently I’ve come to the realization that I am a very talented writer and motivator. I have discovered than when I talk, people listen. And not only that, I have people in my life who WANT my help when they are struggling through life. This comes with such honor and never for a second do I take it for granted.
Now, you’re probably laughing thinking, “wait Kassidy you just NOW realized you can write and you’re inspiring?” YEP! Cause I never gave myself credit. I always believed I was average, so, I was average. I limited myself, I put myself in a box and said, “Kassidy, you are never to leave these four little walls, this is who you will be, never greater than this box.”
I used this analogy with my friend the other day and it really resonated with the both of us. If you follow me on Instagram than you know that I have suffered with adult acne most of my adult life. I go through phases of having clear skin and then major breakouts. But what I’ve recently brought to light, is that half the time my skin does not have any zits. I am just standing in front of the mirror picking at my face, CREATING THE PROBLEM.
I am my own problem.
I am my own worst enemy.
And just like that, I stand in front of my mirror and pick at my face, looking for a zit to pop, which then creates a lovely scar that leads to me telling myself I’m ugly.
But what’s really ironic here, is that is what I have been doing to my soul.
To my inner Kassidy.
I find something about her that I don’t necessarily like (just like the beginning of a small zit), and I pick at it until it forms a larger zit, at which point I continue to pick at until a scar is formed and I am left feeling horrible about myself.
THE SAME THING I DO TO MY FACE, I DO TO ME, MY SOUL, TO THE INNER WORKINGS OF KASSIDY!
You don’t even understand how blown away I was when I had this discovery. I sat back and imagined my face at its worst, when I had picked at it to no end, blood everywhere. Then I imagined what my heart looks like from all the times I had tore Kassidy down, told her she is NOT enough, worthy, beautiful, smart, strong, good, loved.
Tears rolled down my face.
I broke Kassidy.
Not anyone else, not what anyone said, not what anyone did.
ME. I broke her.
I picked at her for years until she truly believed that she, would never be enough. That she, was better off gone.
I did this to myself over and over again.
Until I decided to show up for my life.
Until I decided to start forgiving myself for the destruction I had caused.
I decided to really look at what I was doing to myself by keeping Kassidy in that box. I was limiting her when she was made for so much more than that box. I was MINIMIZING her. I was giving her no space, if anything I was telling her she did not deserve space in this world.
But the truth is, Kassidy, she deserves ALL the space. Because there is enough space in this world for EVERY ONE – that’s how God designed it.
You deserve to take up all the space my friend.
You deserve to forgive yourself if you feel you have been too hard on yourself.
You deserve to stand back up and try again when you feel defeated by YOU.
You deserve to take time to heal, take time to learn to trust yourself again, and then when it’s time, stand back up and realize the badass you were created to be.
YOU DESERVE IT.
Now I would like to share the letter I wrote myself about two months ago. To set the scene, I was having major panic attacks lasting about 2-3 hours, EVERY SINGLE DAY. I was so full of anxiety I pulled my car over several times because it was not safe for me to be driving. I was in the darkest pit I have ever been in. I was so hurt I could not communicate it, so I would sleep and cry and sleep and cry. But somewhere, amongst, all of that pain I was able to open up my computer and write this letter to me, and it’s everything I needed to hear then and everything I need to hear now. I’m hoping it will resonate with you too.
You lost your sunshine. Somewhere along the way you gave bits and pieces of your sunshine to those you love most. Only because you care about people so much that you want to see them shine.
You walk around seeing everyone’s radiance but your own.
You see the potential people have and you never stop sharing it with them, because what’s the point of having all that potential if you’re never going to use it?
But why did you stop shining? Why did you dim your light?
You don’t have to dim your light for others to shine, there will always be enough light.
You’ve learned over the past couple of years that grief is not linear, and neither is healing.
When you’re at the bottom, you have to keep fighting to get back to the top.
When you feel like you’ve finally reached the top, you have to be humble enough to remember you will be back at the bottom.
You can still shine your light while you’re healing.
You can still be radiant.
You have permission to be whoever you are right now.
I know that you’re struggling, I know that each day comes with waves of emotions and thoughts you’re choosing to fight through.
Don’t stop fighting. Don’t stop climbing to the top. Don’t stop trying. Don’t give up.
GIRL! YOU ARE THE LIGHT! YOU ARE THE SUN!
Wake up and remember each and every day, that YOU are the sun.
Keep on finding out who you are meant to be.”
My friend, keep going.
Keep on finding out who YOU are meant to be.
I love you.